Random Rant

So today I decided that I was going to do something I have been thinking about doing for a while. I posted this on my Facebook this morning:

I have always cared far to much about other peoples opinions of me, so much that I worry about what everyone thinks of me. I could point the finger at a lot of people for making me feel this way, but the bottom line is I let them. 

It's time for me to break free of this mentality, to allow myself to be me regardless of what others may think. I can only hope that those of you who I always considered friends will still be around. If not, oh well, not my problem.

It's time to break free and just be me.

Unlike a lot of people who post things like this to try and get 'likes' or comments, I posted it because it is how I really feel. You see my whole life I've had an anxiety disorder, and when I was little there wasn't a lot known about it. Doctors gave my parents horrible advice, kids made fun of me cause I was different and some even took advantage of my fears. 
I have always had a hard time accepting myself. I hated that I was different, I felt like everyone could tell that I had this problem, when truthfully many probably didn't. But I always felt different, I could tell that others didn't worry about everything the same way I did, heck the way I still do worry! And I could not, would not accept this about myself. I thought if I denied it or hid it it would go away, guess what it doesn't, and it just gets tiring. 

So why am I announcing this on the internet, a public place where anyone can read it? Because I don't want to hide it anymore. I don't want to carry around a secret, a burden, I don't want it affecting me anymore. If I admit it here, then I am admitting it to anyone who cares to know. Anyone who cares to read.

And let me tell you it's scary. 

But let me also state this, anyone who thinks that they are perfect, or above someone else. They aren't. Everyone has something that effects them, something they aren't proud of, or are scared of letting the world know about. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. 
That's why I wanted to share this, this is why I'm going into the profession I'm going into. I want to help others, I want to help that kid that feels the same way I do, I want them to know they aren't alone, even though that's how a lot of people want them to feel. 

So to all of you out there who are reading this who bully someone because they are different, who laugh at someones insecurities, or who exclude someone because they're "weird", remember, we all grow up, and while we learn to laugh at the past, but there are some things that can't be undone, that can't be un-said, or changed. Think before you speak, remember that words and actions do matter, and that sometimes the person who you think is strange, or weird, might just be a kid who's scared inside, a kid who's just wishing that someone would extend a hand to help them up, instead of pushing them back down. 

I know this might come off as preaching and not really anything to do with NPM or my blog, but the bottom line is, this is my life, this is what has made me who I am today. And all of my struggles have made me a stronger person.

My wonderful boyfriend said to me the other day: "I know B. and that's part of what I love about you. Remember god doesn't make mistakes. Hence god meant for me to love you the way you are."

He is one of the few people who knows me inside and out. He has seen me at my best, and he has been by my side at my worst. He is the reason I feel brave enough to post all of this, and I love him for that. I want the whole world to get to know the side of me that only he and my family know. The crafty, nerdy, dorky, fun, silly, sad, happy, quirky person I have always been, but have always been to scared to show. 

So to all of you out there who are like me, the people who turn the radio down when you stop next to another car cause you don't want them to hear what you're listening to... turn it up. 

To those of you who are hiding things in a closet in your room that you really love, because you're scared that your friends will judge you... take them out and display them. 

For all those who think they are too old, young, fat, skinny, stupid, scared, to try something new... go out, sign up for it, take a chance.
And for all of those out there who are looking to share something like this, speak up, no one will ever know your struggles, know how you feel, if you don't tell them.

I encourage you guys to respond with your own stories, tell me about someone who inspired you the way James inspired me. Or just say something you've always been to scared to say. No one will judge you here, that much I promise. 
After all:

Thanks to anyone who read this, who believes in me, or anyone who might be going through a hard time. They might never tell you, but your faith in them makes all the difference

~Megan